A little advice on how to treat the ‘mother of your children’ this Mother’s Day

Steve Corbin

Gentlemen: You have only got until Sunday, May 8, to appropriately acknowledge that special female in your life. FYI: May 8 is Mother’s Day.

Don’t panic. Stay calm. I’ve got your back. I’m here to save your … a-hum, day.

First, don’t even think of buying a Mother’s Day card as the smart men have already purchased the best $4.99 Hallmark, American Greeting and hallowed Papyrus cards. Giving any of the few remaining cards would be embarrassing.

Presenting her with some tulips you secretly stole from the neighbor’s yard is taboo. Based upon personal history with wives #1, 2, 4, 5 and 6, buying a plant isn’t appreciated either. Wife #3 was gracious. Oops, lost count there. Unfortunately I didn’t know that wife #7 was allergic to plants until our court date.

Trust me, your lady of honor will find no humor with a new coffee maker or vacuum cleaner, despite your words of intended endearment.

Also, buying your sweetheart a five-piece kitchen knife set is not wise either for reasons I hope you are sharp enough, pun intended, to figure out.

Enough blabber. What’s the solution? Time is running out.

So, get out a piece of paper. You are going to write your lady a handwritten message. Relax. Of course the material you will write was written by someone else. Again, we’re not that smart — just look at the pickle we’re currently in.

Here are the tricky parts. First, be sure to write with a pen and not a magic marker.

Secondly, spell her name correctly.

Finally, write out, as legibly as possible, one of these romantic quotes:

1) “The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.” – Honore de Balzac (P.S.: look up the definition of “abyss” so should she ask, you’ll be cool)

2) “Of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother.” – Lin Yutang (expect a hug when using this one —keep your hands above the waist while hugging)

3) “Motherhood: All love begins and ends there.” – Robert Browning

4) “God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made mothers.” – Rudyard Kipling

5) “Nobody knows of the work it makes/To keep the home together/Nobody knows of the steps it takes/Nobody knows, but Mother” – Anonymous

6) “It may be possible to gild pure gold, but who can make his mother more beautiful?” – Mahatma Gandhi

If your “current” female person of interest has a good sense of humor, one of these just might work:

1) “Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.” – Aristotle

2) “Remember that behind every successful woman … is a basket of dirty laundry.” – Author Unknown

Now, if your lady asks you about the author that you quoted, say something to the effect … “I’ve studied this author’s writings for years and his/her words are reminiscent of our first kiss and romantic interludes.” (I highly recommend that you rehearse this line of bull as for years she’s been able to read you like a book.)

Good luck, men. I hope this works. In advance, May 14, 2017, is next year’s Mother’s Day.

To the females who ignored the warning notice and read this column: Wishing you all the love and happiness you so richly deserve; Happy Mother’s Day.

P.S. Ladies: On Mother’s Day, be kind to this man you endure. He’s doing his best, which, as you know so well, isn’t much. Borrow his credit card, buy some shoes, dress and handbag and say to him: “Thanks, sweetheart, for this lovely Mother’s Day gift. You are so thoughtful.”

Dr. Steve Corbin is Professor Emeritus of Marketing, University of Northern Iowa, Cedar Falls, and a 1966 graduate of Nevada High School.